


who am i (to be in love?)

by yumetourou



Series: see through [1]
Category: K-pop, The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, thats it just a whole lotta angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-30
Updated: 2019-08-30
Packaged: 2020-09-30 12:28:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20447174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yumetourou/pseuds/yumetourou
Summary: I remember the day I met you like it was yesterday. I wish it was yesterday.





	who am i (to be in love?)

**Author's Note:**

> vaguely based on/inspired by the lyrics to ‘i love you’ and ‘8’ by billie eilish

to. Kevin

from. Chanhee

×

I remember the day I met you like it was yesterday. I wish it was yesterday. It was arguably the lowest point of my life, and you were arguably my saving grace. No, not arguably. You were. 

I remember when we met, how we were both rushing to catch the train. I was going to do who knows what, probably some useless errand. You were late to your psychology class. I remember because you told me after you apologized more times than you should have, even though it was my fault and your papers were the ones all over the ground. I should have been the one apologizing. I wish I had. You were so focused on making sure that I was okay, that you missed your train. I’ll never forget how you pouted when you realized you would miss your class, about how you rambled to yourself about asking someone for notes while I awkwardly stood there, debating whether or not to run away. 

I never expected to see you again after that, let alone to have you remember me. The day you came up to me at the same train station, I expected you to have realized that I was in the wrong and for you to shout at me for mixing up your notes and making you miss your train. I never expected you to sit beside me and give me that awkward, boxy smile that could charm anyone. ‘I’m Kevin,’ you said, ‘sorry about the other day, I wasn’t paying attention. I mean, I should’ve seen you considering you’re a blonde beacon in a sea of dark hair, but I didn’t. You weren’t hurt, were you? You hit your knee pretty hard.’ I admit, I probably gave you a pretty damn weird look. In my defense, I was quite taken aback. ‘I’m okay,’ I responded, after a pause so long I didn’t expect you to stay. Only after the words left my mouth did I realize how unconvincing they sounded, evident in the look on your face. ‘You sure?’ Your eyebrows were knitted, and I thought it was cute.  _ You’re cute, Kevin,  _ a thought I would never escape. ‘I’m sure. Hitting my knee won’t kill me, after all. Plus, it was my fault, anyways. I’m Chanhee, by the way.’ I extended my hand to you, and yours seemed to fit perfectly in mine. 

‘Well, Chanhee,’ you smiled at me, and I smiled back, the first time I had genuinely smiled in a few weeks, ‘let’s be friends.’

×

A few weeks later, you were at my house. It was unplanned, you asked for my address and fifteen minutes later, you were at my door. You smiled at me and held up a dvd, some American movie that you thought I should see. The Breakfast Club, I think it was called. I told you I didn’t know any English, and you said there were subtitles, and if there weren’t, you would translate for me. There were subtitles, but I don’t remember what the movie was about. I only remember you that evening, and how excited you were to be sharing something from your childhood with me. 

It was that evening that I realized. 

How much you meant to me. 

How much I wanted to see you smile. 

Forever. 

×

That night, I couldn’t sleep. Oh, Kevin Moon, how you kept me up that night. The first of many. How I tossed and I turned, knowing I would be exhausted in the morning but not caring because I had nothing to do, and more importantly, my brain was filled with, exploding with, and drowning in thoughts of you. I wanted to know everything about you, I remember wondering why you made me so curious at the time, even though it was plainly obvious. How dumb of me. Your smile from that evening would become forever etched into my brain, your smile in general would become a source of comfort for me. My home, my lifeline, for when things got bad, which they often did. You made me feel things I hadn’t felt in a long time, things I didn’t deserve to feel. 

Happiness. 

Hope. 

**Love. **

×

I heard a knock, which woke me up. I checked the clock, the numbers glowing angrily in the pitch black. One in the morning. I went back to sleep, brushing it off as my imagination. I heard it again. Terrified, I made my way to the door as silently as possible, half expecting there to be a murderer when I looked through the peephole. It was you. Confused as to why you were at my apartment at one in the morning, I flicked on the lights and unlocked the door. ‘Kevin?’ You didn’t respond, but something inside you seemed to break when I said your name, and you started crying. The most I could think of doing was holding you, so I wrapped my arms around you and brought you inside, letting you cry into my shirt. I couldn’t help but remember the countless times I had been in your place, crying to a friend like my life depended on it, because some days crying was all I could do. I couldn’t help but fear that in easing my sadness, you had acquired your own. That I had passed it onto you. That  _ I  _ was the one making you cry so hard. We sat in silence for what felt like hours. At one point I wanted a glass of water, but you asked me not to leave, so I stayed. Who am I kidding, I would have sat there forever if you needed me to. 

‘Kevin, what’s wrong? Did something happen?’ Even if I didn’t remember anything about you, I would never forget the look you gave me. You looked so utterly defeated. Your eyes looked as dull as mine. So I wondered, what was making you hurt the way I did? What had taken away the moonlight’s glow? You whimpered something unintelligible before murmuring: ‘I love you,’ three words that carried so much weight, especially coming from you. Every muscle in my body, everything that made up my being, was screaming that I loved you too, but I, of course, didn’t believe you. ‘You’re joking.’ I didn’t mean to say it out loud, but I did. Then you kissed me, your tears mixing with mine. I still don’t know when I started crying. You kissed me, and it felt like fireworks were going off in my brain. I felt alive for the first time in, well, for the first time at all. That kiss conveyed things that I always wanted to say; that I was always too scared to say. You were mine, and I was yours. 

‘I love you too, Kevin.’

×

The next time you showed up at my house at one in the morning, unannounced, was a year later. This time, you weren’t crying. You seemed almost emotionless, like a statue. Terrifyingly cold. That night was the coldest I had ever seen you, and I wondered if you were high. ‘Kevin, are you okay?’ You pushed past me, still that same cold look in your eyes. I closed the door and followed you, even though everything was screaming at me that  _ this is bad, this is bad, this is bad.  _ You were sitting on the couch, the same place you kissed me. ‘Chanhee, we need to talk.’ You didn’t sound like the Kevin I knew, the Kevin I loved. ‘What’s wrong, Kevin?’ My heart was in my throat.  _ This is it,  _ I thought. I thought you had finally realized the awful parts of me couldn’t be fixed, that I was too broken to be worth your time. ‘Us. Us is what’s wrong, Chanhee.’ I felt tears create hot tracks down my cheeks, but I tried to laugh it off. ‘What do you mean? You’re joking, right? Please tell me you’re joking.’ ‘LET ME FINISH, GOD DAMN IT! Please, Chanhee, can you listen?’ I shut up. You never raised your voice, not at anyone, not at me, even when I deserved it. The chants of  _ this is bad _ still echoed in my mind, threatening to drown your words. ‘Chanhee, I can’t do this anymore. I’m worried about you. I know you’re trying, but Chanhee, I’m distracting you. I can’t be distracting you. Please Chanhee, please get some help. I’ll still be your friend, if I can, but I can’t be your distraction anymore.’ Your words felt like a punch to the stomach, like my happiness was being ripped away. ‘Kevin, please don’t do this. Please don’t leave me.’ I was being choked. ‘Chanhee, I’m sorry. I-’

‘Don’t say it.’

‘-love you.’

You’re joking. 

Please be joking. 

I didn’t deserve you, and I never will. 

I love you too, Kevin. 

×

_ Are you sure you want to delete this document? _

** _Yes _ ** _ No  _

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for making it this far! i considered writing a letter from kevin’s perspective too, so if you want to see that just let me know!
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/yeosites)


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